Self-love means loving yourself entirely and unconditionally. When you love yourself, you’ll only want the best for your physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing (whatever that looks like for you). You'll know your worth, your thoughts about yourself will be positive and you'll appreciate who you are.
I want to make clear that loving yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never feel angry, disappointed or upset with yourself, or that you're always right and you never take accountability for your behaviour. It just means that when you do mess up, you’ll treat yourself with the same kindness, respect and compassion that you show to others whilst simultaneously fixing your mistake.
Why is Self-love Important?
If we don’t love ourselves, it’s easier for people to take advantage of us and disrespect us, because that’s what we believe we should accept and all we’re worthy of. When we love ourselves, we set and maintain boundaries, become assertive, and create healthy, fair and secure relationships.
Loving ourselves creates a positive environment in our minds which is essential for our emotional wellbeing and pursing the life we want. Without self-love, we don’t prioritise our needs, are very critical of ourselves, try to please everyone (which is impossible), neglect self-care, and make decisions that aren’t good for us.
Is Self-love Selfish?
Self-love is a combination of prioritising self-care, your mental wellbeing and your physical wellbeing. You may feel like you’re being selfish at first, but what you’re actually doing is creating a space where the people who really matter to you and the people who show you the same love and effort you show them, get the best version of you.
Looking after yourself benefits the people around you too, you’ll feel happier, and your empathy and compassion towards yourself and other people will shine through.
How do You Love Yourself?
Get to know yourself
Firstly, you need to know yourself inside and out - be confident in who you are and what you stand for so that no one can take you away from you.
If you’ve made mistakes in the past, it’s important to learn from them, change your behaviour and then forgive yourself - it’s hard to love yourself if you’re constantly bringing yourself down, it might help to make amends with people too.
Work through trauma
Recognise if there’s anything you need to heal from. This can be traumatic experiences from childhood, relationships, a job or even friendships, then work towards coping with any trauma associated with these events. Keep in mind that trauma may never truly go away, you just learn to reduce and manage the negative impact of it over time.
Trauma can really impact the way you view yourself and your self-esteem, especially if you’ve ever been made to feel like you're not important. You have to remind yourself that you do matter and have always mattered.
If therapy isn’t possible, there’s lots of free online self-help resources and social media accounts dedicated to healing and recovery - The Breakup Essentials also has a TikTok account centred around all things healing and self-love. It can be overwhelming as there's so much information out there, so just find and follow ones that talk about things you relate too.
With time, consistency and dedication, your perspective will start to change, you’ll feel more secure in yourself, and respect for yourself will flourish.
Prioritise your mental and physical wellbeing
Self-care is important for reinforcing to yourself that you are worthy and deserving of care and love. Here are a few ways you can mindfully practice self-care:
- Set and maintain boundaries
- Remove yourself from people and situations that don’t feel safe or don’t align with your values
- Learn that being alone is better than being around people that aren’t good for you
- Have compassion and empathy for yourself, forgive yourself for your mistakes
- Work through trauma to heal
- Be in tune with your values - don’t compromise on what you feel is right, listen to your gut
- Learn your limits and avoid burnout
- Eat well and move your body
- Do what you enjoy, either alone or with people
- Express gratitude and self-appreciation
- Don’t compare your looks or life to others
- Be kind and help create a better world
- Don’t rush, be patient and go at your own pace
Self-care activities that can be done on your own or with friends include:
- Walking
- Dancing
- Gardening
- Cleaning / organising
- Road trips
- Going out to eat
- Going to the cinema
- Picnics
- Going to the gym
- Playing video games
- Watching TV, YouTube, Netflix etc.
- Cooking
- Shopping / window shopping
- Pamper evenings
- Getting your nails done
- Travelling
- Staying in a local hotel for 1 night
- Ordering food
- Journalling
This will be a long process that won’t always be easy or comfortable, but it'll be worth it for happiness and healthy relationships. This isn’t a step by step guide, not everything will happen all at once, you may go back and forth and sometimes feel like you've taken ten steps back, but remember it’s all progress. Everything will come full circle eventually and all your hard work will pay off. You've got this!
