I've been through my fair share of breakups, and it's safe to say I never want to experience heartbreak ever again. The sleepless nights. The loss of appetite. The immense, gut-wrenching feeling that you'll never get over the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. It might sound dramatic, but it's the reality for a lot of people. Unfortunately, the only way out is to go through it, and there's no short cuts.
So whether you've been broken up with, or you've done the breaking up, how do you start the process of moving forward?
Leave Them Alone
I can't stress this enough: if you truly want to move on from your ex, and you're not interested in being friends with them (which never works anyway, unless the breakup was completely mutual and amicable - a rarity.) go no contact! This includes not keeping tabs on where they are or who they're with. You’re never going to get over someone if you’re still in contact with them or keep checking their social media. If you can't resist temptation and don’t have the will power to not message them, or you have the urge to stay up to date on what they’re doing, block them. If you have mutual friends, ask them to not tell you anything about what's going on in your ex's life, if they're good friends they'll respect your wishes. You don't need to know, your own life is all you should be focused on right now.
Cry It Out
If you're someone who jumps to saving face to avoid embarrassment, just know that there's no shame in getting broken up with, and there's no shame in crying if you need to. You don’t have to act like you don't care or pretend you're happy when you're not. If you’re hurting you need to feel your feelings to fully process them, this is the only way you'll feel better long-term and be able to get on with your life. Whether it’s anger, sadness, happiness, guilt or regret - sit with it. Whatever it is, just feel it entirely then let it go. You’ll feel so much better afterwards.
Talk About It
Ever heard the phrase "a problem shared is a problem halved"? This is the perfect time to listen to that advice. It's never helpful to keep your feelings bottled up, but I understand that not everyone's comfortable with letting people in. If confiding in someone feels icky to you, get your thoughts out in whatever way feels natural. You can write them down, talk to yourself out loud, or speak about it in therapy - the fact that your therapist has to remain professional may help you relax as they're there to make you feel safe and validated, without giving you advice. Breakups are a lot to process, your brain is trying to make sense of everything, you're (hopefully) reflecting, or you might be someone who goes down the route of evaluating and analysing the intricate details of the relationship. You might feel like you could've handled things better, you might blame yourself or you might be trying to figure out if the relationship was toxic or abusive. All of that is valid. However, people may tell you that you're obsessing over your ex because you're ruminating about what happened, but don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re talking about things too much, or like you should be getting over it quicker. We all handle things differently, and if you're a sensitive deep thinker, it's likely that it'll take you a while to get to a place where you don't need to talk about it anymore, and that's perfectly okay.
Take Care of Your Physical Well-being
I know you probably don't want to do anything apart from lay in bed. I get it, but right now you need all the endorphins you can get. Any physical exercise you enjoy will help lower your stress levels and improve your mood. You can walk, run, dance or go to the gym, just get up and move for at least 10 minutes each day and watch how much better you feel (even if it's only temporary.) I'm going to assume you also don’t have an appetite, but you still need to make sure you’re eating something and drinking enough water. If you feel too sick, try dry toast or cream crackers as they're gentle on your digestive system. Honestly, just eat anything you can stomach, it’s better than nothing.
Spend Time Alone
Breakups come with a lot of self reflection, and spending time alone with your thoughts is imperative for reflecting on the relationship and getting your sense of self back. If you have the means, book a hotel room for one night and just think; think about the life you want, think about how you can improve yourself, think about the positives that have come from the breakup. You need to learn who you are without your ex and you'll really get to know yourself when you start enjoying your own company. Remember that you're the only person who's got you for the rest of your life.
Go Have Fun
I know what you're thinking - 'how can I think about having fun when I'm so heartbroken?'. You don't have to rush, there's no time limit on these things and healing isn't linear. When you feel ready, get yourself out and have fun with good people who genuinely care about you and have your best interests at heart. I don't mean go out and drink until you can't remember your own name (if you want to do that I'm not judging!), but do what makes you happy, with people who make you happy. At the very least, it’ll temporarily take your mind off the breakup, eventually get you back to normality, and help you adjust to your new life without your ex.
Always remember: You had a whole life before them, and you'll have a whole life after them.
