There’s a common misconception that detachment is the same as avoidance when in reality, one causes emotional turmoil to the person on the receiving end, and the other is beneficial for everyone involved.
Healthily detaching in a relationship shouldn’t make you emotionless and cold - that’s unhealthy and requires professional attention if it goes on for a long time. Instead, it can heal co-dependency, soothe anxiety, and help you develop a way of thinking that's more accepting of the outcomes you can't control.
What's the difference between healthy detachment and avoidance?
With a healthy detachment you’re emotionally present, while still maintaining your sense of self. It can look like separating yourself from another person’s actions, words or thoughts, letting go of trying to control outcomes, or finding level-headed ways to resolve a situation.
Avoidance means avoiding your own or other’s feelings. It can look like ignoring communication, people, or certain situations, moving on from things without discussing it and finding a solution, or refusing to sit with and acknowledge emotions or behaviour that you find uncomfortable.
Things you can tell yourself to detach in a healthy way:
- I’ll only focus on the things I can control.
- I can’t control how other people act, think or speak.
- If it’s meant to be, it will be.
- I can’t please everyone.
- I don’t need to understand why things happen.
- I’ve done everything I possibly can.
- Whatever happens, happens.
- I’m only in control of my mind and actions.
- I’m trusting the process.
- I trust that I’ll know when it’s the right time to walk away.
This doesn’t mean you should give up or that you don't have to put any work in! No, you still have to try and do your part in order to have a successful relationship. It’s just a shift in mindset from anxiety and control, to acceptance that what will be will be.
Healthy detachment lets you know when you’ve done enough and when it’s time to walk away, or it’ll let you know to keep putting the effort in, because either way everything will be okay in the end. Even if you don’t get the outcome you desired, you’ll be able to better deal with the reality that this is just the way it was meant to be.
Being able to detach, while still holding space for yours and your partner's feelings, is a mindfulness skill that's difficult to acquire. Once you get to that point though, it's a blissful way to live that leads to productive conversations and peaceful conflict resolution.